I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
