you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
