dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
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