Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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