if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
