i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
