I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
His nipple licking is glorious
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