How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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