i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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