Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
