dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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