It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
