Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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