ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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