I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
