closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He better not be in your backpack
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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