My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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