jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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