I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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