if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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