Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
