No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
so much tequila, so little girl.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
