hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
