last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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