Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
