I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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