I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
