omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
