Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
