I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
