omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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