Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
