I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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