oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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