It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
