I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
