it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
