I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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