Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
