Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
