An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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