What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Someone shattered a urinal.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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