i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
