'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Randomize
