I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
