so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
