out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
