I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
