Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Randomize
