Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
